Transformation: living and waiting.........

i have not written for a long time because it was time to stop thinking, to stop waiting for life to move me forward and to start to move myself onwards. understanding when i need to take action, be a life activist and when to be passive in waiting and letting things be is something i am trying to get to grips with in this thing called life.

part of me knows that a lot of our human errors come from the mind trying to control the body,and dominate our experiences. but i also am beginning to except that the mind is very much part of consciousness and it is a mistake to view at something totally flawed and dysfunctional.

as an emotional person if i was to abandon all abilities to rationalise and objectify then the demands of my emotions would reek havoc on my body, relationships and everything else. rationality has no right to suppress emotions, but maybe help calm them.

the thing with the mind is when consumed in too much thinking, we procrastinate and life moves while we fester in constant mind dialogue. even without thought if we just sit and wait, we can fall asleep, and without our eyes open just not see what we need to do for ourselves.

the word transformation can seem so big and idealist, but it happens everyday. we shed our skin, our cells regenerate, we subtly evolve. maybe it still does sound too romantic as we are always moving closer to the day we die. but that is the pattern of life.

i know that if i can find a way to be more content, more trusting in life's path then maybe i could see these changes. yes there are endless cycles which at times i feel stuck in, but nothing is ever the same, something has changed, something is different.

tears in a bucket....

raining, raining, rain these tears of vain.......

water the flowers with this ocean of tears
cool the burning fire of fears

rain but, no rainbow.....

rain is falling but it just feels so grey.
no rainbow to bring magic to the clouds
just damp and meek.

sometimes that is the way things are. The darkness has invaded, hidden all the light and starts feeling permanent. but the sun is always there behind the clouds and when we cant see it, or feel its warmth, envision its glow.

angels again..............

When worries start to take their toll, and life is overwhelming, child visions are my comfort. feeling caged in modern mayhem, i have to retreat to my imagination. the torment eases and my anxious heart finds a peaceful rhythm.

habitual harsh judgements, sadness and fear fade when i think of someone watching. just standing there patiently waiting. it is my personification of compassion.

heart felt..........

Love belongs to the heart.

love is an emotion, something felt in the body, just like joy and sadness. The mystics talk of its power of transformation, the alchemy of love and compassion.

Love belongs to the heart.

We think we are familiar with love, but usually it is just the notions of love, ... usually only romantic love at that.

Love belongs to the heart.

We care for loved ones, but we cannot feel love for them. Our hearts wrapped tight in layers of other emotions. Anger, worry- usually the symptons of love covered in fear and sadness.

Love belongs to the heart.

We are desperately searching for love, to see it in others. we tire ourselves looking for this enigmatic energy, nervous to miss it, to lose it once we experience it.

Love belongs to the heart.

We will find it nowhere else but in our own hearts. It is always there, just rarely felt because it is hidden.

Love belongs to the heart.

it will not damage us, make us crazy, make us foolish or jealous. that is not love, that is what we have to dig through; that is our insecurities and our attachments-just guises of love.

detaching from the inner demons and dramas............

The worries, and inner torment rarely belong to the present moment. It is my body and mind being tangled up in done deeds of the past and untold actions of the future. What do i do about these restless wanderings that yo yo me back and forth, making me wobble when i try to get some stillness.

i have to detach from dramas that seem to continuously play within. whatever dysfunction that may be going on in the body and the mind, will consume all of me only if i let it. To fight or resist it only creates more conflict. i will just step away peacefully, just let it be, and when it all starts to move towards me and engulf me again, i will keep walking away.

i will not stop and let it suffocate me, nor will i run from it in fear. but it is time to move forward and stop the exhausting cycles that bring back stale feelings, provoke poor bodily habits and keep me trapped.

A new year, a new decade.........

Moon prayer........

Even during the darkest times there is a source of light.
There are the stars and the moon that can transform a menacing night.
Things may seem shaded and dim, but the moon is pure and bright.
Radiate in its glow, gravitate in its magnetism.

We are ever aware of the potency of the sun, but seem to forget the significance of the moon. Though its silhouette is crisp in a clear night sky, there is a modesty about it's presence. Yet let us not underestimate this night lantern: its energy is bold, and as influential to our sense of well being as the sun.

All saints day ......

Halloween, All saints day and the day of the dead, all on the same weekend. i can't help but close my eyes and see the lives lived in the ages gone by. To thank those past generations for the work they poured into this planet. We know history holds many disasters, but the positive souls do not live their lives in vain.

It brings me comfort to think of the human journey: the diversity and versatility that has unraveled from those early peoples bold steps into the unknown. We can keep the journey moving; keep investigating and embracing the unfamiliar, not fearing the ultimate possibilities that challenge our knowledge and beliefs.

shedding skin ............

shedding the layers to get deeper,

to go beyond borders,

stepping away from shelter.

this skin no longer fits,

it feels tight and i need to grow,

i am closed up and i need to breath.

peeling away the layers

that disguise the heart and soul

keeping it hidden from the world.

our skin is our main layer of protection, wrapping up all our delicate and intricate organs, bones and tissue. It is the most dicernable part of ourselves- what is seen and touched. At times it is all we know of ourselves, not able to perceive all that it keeps guarded.

It is the boundary between the inner and outer environment. to know what lies inside can seem impossible. The senses seem suited for experiencing the external. we cannot touch,hear or see our internal landscape, not in the automatic way we do with our surroundings.

but consciously we can explore that which is within us: those physical, emotional and mental aspects that are never seen, but constantly being affected and having affect on the outside world around us.

your shadow will always be there...............

feeling engulfed by some sort of darkness,

a shade that doesnt seem to let the light in,

always attached to this gloomy presence.

but it keeps it distance, it stand behind

so i shall not fear this shadow it need not take the colour out of life.

monk mentality.................

I am not religious, not in an orthodox sense, but the devout have trust and they have patience, and a little more of these attributes would do me some good.

I am searching to sense that inner peace, to lessen the grip of my fickle constitution. I know this is possible because i have had moments of complete joy, amongst the aggravations sensed in the body.

But alot of the time i torment myself by dwelling on the obstacles i face, missing the many opportunities right before me. Amongst my anger and anxiety i forget to have faith in myself and all that is around.

Aggression can be very subtle, especially when directed towards ourselves. So many times we do not realise we are being unhelpful; unfair, unkind. So many times we are unaware of the calamities we are enforcing.

We have to learn to promote the peace, and love we deserve for ourselves, so that we truly know what it is and can recognise it in the world around us.

fictitious thoughts...............

The mind makes me weary. I sit quietly and here its skittish ramblings. Where do they come from? The energy they are taking, the distractions they cause. My body and heart neglected when i start to listen too closely.

Jumping nonsense; illusions that warp reality. What a fuss they can cause when i indulge them. Time to not let them speak so loudly, so i can absorbs the present moment, learn and find my way more through the motion of doing rather than thinking.


.

Needing a guide........

Maybe far too much of a romantic gesture to speak of guardian angels, and ancestors watching out for our human souls. But to wish for some kind of guidance is not too far fetched.

Just constant little signs that i am moving forward though my body still feels stuck. Just feeling grounded when everything is up in the air. Just to be able to trust.

For i do not know where the madness inside begins, but the notion of unrest seeps everywhere. Body and mind tense and tormented. i try to forget, but i am forgetting what it feels like to feel any other way.

All that i built fell away, so i am starting from scratch, but with no steady foundations and so many peices missing, it is hard. So i ask for a little assistance, to help me rebuild my life, even though i feel like i am still falling apart.

Opening the heart...........

Its takes courage to open up the heart-all is exposed.

The mind can be a camouflage. We can hide behind a forged persona, barricade our truth deep inside that not even ourselves get to see it.

We become experts at thinking, but lose the ability to feel, afraid of experiencing our emotions, not wanting to know the turmoil they can create, taking us away from our safe and predictable living habits.

The heart is fragile and must be embraced. It yearns for love to nurture the pain that it feels from its natural sense of compassion. We are responsible for its safety. We must show it the love it desires, so that it is not harmed by sorrows and sentiments.

It may not be comfortable to live without the caution of the sceptical mind, but i want to try. I want to unwrap the safety blankets of the mind as they are suffocating me with illusions and doubt. It is time to face the naked truth that is held in the heart.

Rest and relaxation................

Sometimes its just about a feeling of normality,
being able to just get on with the day, with its currents of activity.

Other times its a powerful release, a dormant mind and awakened body, that i yearn for.

A day can be most peaceful when filled with many small and simple moments of action and rest. nothing too demanding and nothing too dull, just free and flexible. Like the typical weekend i suppose.

These days are precious because they are times of just going with the flow, of being content with the ordinary. There are routines and chores, amongst moments of leisure,. the mind is quiet and the body at ease as things get done at our own chosen pace.

I celebrate days like these, they really do fulfill me. A strand of minor achievements that provide an huge sense of worth. These humble days are often taken for granted, but as life feels quite messy, it are these times i most appreciate.

Yet as sensual beings often feeling burdened by complex emotions there is the constant desire to thrill or numb the senses. So Life becomes crammed full with anything and everything to help us escape from ourselves.

To be able to lose oursleves in these pleasures is vital but does nothing for us if we can never find the joy in the regular and everyday insignificant happenings.

Good bye to the summer......

I am in awe of the summer months,
for nature is so alive and vibrant,
its joys penetrate my flesh and blood.
But i see the colours fading
and the darkness creeping in.
The seasons are changing,
autumn is about to begin.

As the autumn equinox draws close, i want to celebrate the passing time and seasonal cycle, but my reliance on the sun has never been more apparent than in these last few months. I have always been a summer child and never more joyful than during the summer months. I would have abundant energy and fell enthused by the uplifted atmosphere. The season felt short and i resented autumn's sudden appearance.

This year it is not resentment that i have to admit to, fear. i am scared that my body will want to hibernate during this time and that my enduring spirit will retreat. Winter is a inimical time where only the most robust thrive. Everything else in nature is absent until the heat of the sun can be felt again.

i do not have the vigor to fight against the season like so many of us do, but i cannot afford to resign completely to it's eminent presence. It still must be a time of rejuvenation, a time to reclaim life's essence.

whisperings of a tree...............

"oh tree i want to be grounded like you, to have strong roots so in touch with the earth and to have soft branches reaching for the sky. With age you get stronger and tougher, your bark gets more beautiful, your leaves more textured and coloured."

" Dear girl i may look big and mighty, but do not be deluded in your moment of awe. i too am delicate; if the wind blows too strong it can take all my leaves, snap off my branches, knock me right down. But the grass at my feet, that no one stops to admire. that grass that has no dense trunk, no staggering height, yet it can withstand the wind. so remember this my friend - that which seems feeble has great resilience."

An invocation.......

all-pervading energy penetrating my veins

leave me with your lingering vitality.

i feel you burning in me,

but your flames are tumultuous,

leaving me in disarray.

perennial fire....

gentle with your kindling.

keep me warm,

let me sense your luster

when my soul is darkened

and my body destitute,

let me flow in your current

above the smoke and soot

no longer stifled and gasping for air

but basking in your light.

magic, myth and mystery .......

There is science,

There is religion,

But the modern world is done with magic, myth, and mystery.



But there is magic in the body,myth in the mind and mystery in the heart and soul.



Now we are of an intellectual age, we think we have the answers,
that the mind is capable of understanding how the world and all life works.

Wrapped up in studying life and nature we are forgetting to live it.

The modern mind is too sceptical, it requires evidence not experience.
It needs the words and work of others to judge against its own.

So we get stuck just using our heads, distancing ourselves with critique and analysis.

Yet the mind stretches far beyond our head and our exercised rationality.
There is the subconscious full of the baffling and bizarre,
there are our bodily senses, our instincts and premonitions.
But we suppress these functions, they are too untamed, too random and illogical.

We fear our intuition-our knowing without knowledge,
to be guided by it is far too superstitious and deluded.
We deny its simplicity- the possibility to act without complex thought.

Allow a little mystery and a little magic,
for the mind will always be unsatisfied,
its constant doubting causing hesitation,
letting life just slip by.

In search of equanimity......

Caught up in the waves of emotion and bodily sensations,
i can feel like i am drowning.......
But little by little i practice to float amongst the white horses and choppy waters,
I find space and rest though the mind and body are cluttered and busy.

i long for fusion, for balance, for sensing that bead of peace amongst the turmoil. i know that is must be possible because there would be no awareness of torment without knowing contentment.

So it is not that i ask for ignorant bliss or constant calmness, for rigid monotony is as draining to the soul as extreme vagary.

I ask for both unity and detachment,
To step away when the body and mind seem oversensitive and hysterical-
To embrace them from a distance.

And though i feel frequently stuck swinging in states of polarity,
i wait patiently for the internal friction to subside and for the opposing sides of my nature to realise there cannot be one without the other.

working seperartely they are fractured, and incomplete,
things are lop sided and i become dizzy,
the wind blows and i fall.

working together and i can feel whole,
i am centred and stronger,
wind howling, and i am still standing.
i have found equanimity.