Those times when i think i was reckless, when i think i have made matters worse, i see them as times as being a tornado in a storm.
What has happened has happened, how we behaved in the past is done and we must move on. There is definitely a period of my life which i have often wanted to re write, but now i think of it differently:
In times of great distress and confusion we can react unpredictably, we can be in survival mode unable to digest anything that is going on and just doing anything to keep our heads above water. We cannot stop and notice we are hurting, that there is pain. We bury it to keep on going, to keep fighting.
These are times when our lives seem to be full of chaos, pure extremes- we seem stuck in a storm. We want to be strong- stubbornly strong. We do not want to show fear or panic, but there is no sense of calm; we get caught, we are ungrounded, we cannot see through the heavy clouds and then we are gone, sucked up- we are a tornado.
When all the dust has settled and we are back, something is haunting us. Now we are feeling the wounds and we are scared. There is damage and we were an element of that destructive force.
It can feel unbearable to try and take an objective approach to our most painful times. It can feel impossible. But we have to step away from our past, not be a storm chaser. It is too exhausting, too intense. It will deplete us.
By seeing myself as the tornado I get a glimpse of clarification over my most tormenting memories. I see myself as neither victim nor perpetrator, just as raw, explosive energy- a reaction to the environment. This imagery does not allow me to deny the devastation caused, but it encourages me to make amends.
As in nature, once the storm has past there is time for growth and repair. There are opportunities for fresh starts, for new pastures, a new sense of life.
We need not fear the storm it cannot return. There may be more, but now we know we can survive, we know it will not last. It will blow through and we will still be standing.