Moon prayer........

Even during the darkest times there is a source of light.
There are the stars and the moon that can transform a menacing night.
Things may seem shaded and dim, but the moon is pure and bright.
Radiate in its glow, gravitate in its magnetism.

We are ever aware of the potency of the sun, but seem to forget the significance of the moon. Though its silhouette is crisp in a clear night sky, there is a modesty about it's presence. Yet let us not underestimate this night lantern: its energy is bold, and as influential to our sense of well being as the sun.

All saints day ......

Halloween, All saints day and the day of the dead, all on the same weekend. i can't help but close my eyes and see the lives lived in the ages gone by. To thank those past generations for the work they poured into this planet. We know history holds many disasters, but the positive souls do not live their lives in vain.

It brings me comfort to think of the human journey: the diversity and versatility that has unraveled from those early peoples bold steps into the unknown. We can keep the journey moving; keep investigating and embracing the unfamiliar, not fearing the ultimate possibilities that challenge our knowledge and beliefs.

shedding skin ............

shedding the layers to get deeper,

to go beyond borders,

stepping away from shelter.

this skin no longer fits,

it feels tight and i need to grow,

i am closed up and i need to breath.

peeling away the layers

that disguise the heart and soul

keeping it hidden from the world.

our skin is our main layer of protection, wrapping up all our delicate and intricate organs, bones and tissue. It is the most dicernable part of ourselves- what is seen and touched. At times it is all we know of ourselves, not able to perceive all that it keeps guarded.

It is the boundary between the inner and outer environment. to know what lies inside can seem impossible. The senses seem suited for experiencing the external. we cannot touch,hear or see our internal landscape, not in the automatic way we do with our surroundings.

but consciously we can explore that which is within us: those physical, emotional and mental aspects that are never seen, but constantly being affected and having affect on the outside world around us.

your shadow will always be there...............

feeling engulfed by some sort of darkness,

a shade that doesnt seem to let the light in,

always attached to this gloomy presence.

but it keeps it distance, it stand behind

so i shall not fear this shadow it need not take the colour out of life.

monk mentality.................

I am not religious, not in an orthodox sense, but the devout have trust and they have patience, and a little more of these attributes would do me some good.

I am searching to sense that inner peace, to lessen the grip of my fickle constitution. I know this is possible because i have had moments of complete joy, amongst the aggravations sensed in the body.

But alot of the time i torment myself by dwelling on the obstacles i face, missing the many opportunities right before me. Amongst my anger and anxiety i forget to have faith in myself and all that is around.

Aggression can be very subtle, especially when directed towards ourselves. So many times we do not realise we are being unhelpful; unfair, unkind. So many times we are unaware of the calamities we are enforcing.

We have to learn to promote the peace, and love we deserve for ourselves, so that we truly know what it is and can recognise it in the world around us.

fictitious thoughts...............

The mind makes me weary. I sit quietly and here its skittish ramblings. Where do they come from? The energy they are taking, the distractions they cause. My body and heart neglected when i start to listen too closely.

Jumping nonsense; illusions that warp reality. What a fuss they can cause when i indulge them. Time to not let them speak so loudly, so i can absorbs the present moment, learn and find my way more through the motion of doing rather than thinking.


.

Needing a guide........

Maybe far too much of a romantic gesture to speak of guardian angels, and ancestors watching out for our human souls. But to wish for some kind of guidance is not too far fetched.

Just constant little signs that i am moving forward though my body still feels stuck. Just feeling grounded when everything is up in the air. Just to be able to trust.

For i do not know where the madness inside begins, but the notion of unrest seeps everywhere. Body and mind tense and tormented. i try to forget, but i am forgetting what it feels like to feel any other way.

All that i built fell away, so i am starting from scratch, but with no steady foundations and so many peices missing, it is hard. So i ask for a little assistance, to help me rebuild my life, even though i feel like i am still falling apart.

Opening the heart...........

Its takes courage to open up the heart-all is exposed.

The mind can be a camouflage. We can hide behind a forged persona, barricade our truth deep inside that not even ourselves get to see it.

We become experts at thinking, but lose the ability to feel, afraid of experiencing our emotions, not wanting to know the turmoil they can create, taking us away from our safe and predictable living habits.

The heart is fragile and must be embraced. It yearns for love to nurture the pain that it feels from its natural sense of compassion. We are responsible for its safety. We must show it the love it desires, so that it is not harmed by sorrows and sentiments.

It may not be comfortable to live without the caution of the sceptical mind, but i want to try. I want to unwrap the safety blankets of the mind as they are suffocating me with illusions and doubt. It is time to face the naked truth that is held in the heart.

Rest and relaxation................

Sometimes its just about a feeling of normality,
being able to just get on with the day, with its currents of activity.

Other times its a powerful release, a dormant mind and awakened body, that i yearn for.

A day can be most peaceful when filled with many small and simple moments of action and rest. nothing too demanding and nothing too dull, just free and flexible. Like the typical weekend i suppose.

These days are precious because they are times of just going with the flow, of being content with the ordinary. There are routines and chores, amongst moments of leisure,. the mind is quiet and the body at ease as things get done at our own chosen pace.

I celebrate days like these, they really do fulfill me. A strand of minor achievements that provide an huge sense of worth. These humble days are often taken for granted, but as life feels quite messy, it are these times i most appreciate.

Yet as sensual beings often feeling burdened by complex emotions there is the constant desire to thrill or numb the senses. So Life becomes crammed full with anything and everything to help us escape from ourselves.

To be able to lose oursleves in these pleasures is vital but does nothing for us if we can never find the joy in the regular and everyday insignificant happenings.

Good bye to the summer......

I am in awe of the summer months,
for nature is so alive and vibrant,
its joys penetrate my flesh and blood.
But i see the colours fading
and the darkness creeping in.
The seasons are changing,
autumn is about to begin.

As the autumn equinox draws close, i want to celebrate the passing time and seasonal cycle, but my reliance on the sun has never been more apparent than in these last few months. I have always been a summer child and never more joyful than during the summer months. I would have abundant energy and fell enthused by the uplifted atmosphere. The season felt short and i resented autumn's sudden appearance.

This year it is not resentment that i have to admit to, fear. i am scared that my body will want to hibernate during this time and that my enduring spirit will retreat. Winter is a inimical time where only the most robust thrive. Everything else in nature is absent until the heat of the sun can be felt again.

i do not have the vigor to fight against the season like so many of us do, but i cannot afford to resign completely to it's eminent presence. It still must be a time of rejuvenation, a time to reclaim life's essence.

whisperings of a tree...............

"oh tree i want to be grounded like you, to have strong roots so in touch with the earth and to have soft branches reaching for the sky. With age you get stronger and tougher, your bark gets more beautiful, your leaves more textured and coloured."

" Dear girl i may look big and mighty, but do not be deluded in your moment of awe. i too am delicate; if the wind blows too strong it can take all my leaves, snap off my branches, knock me right down. But the grass at my feet, that no one stops to admire. that grass that has no dense trunk, no staggering height, yet it can withstand the wind. so remember this my friend - that which seems feeble has great resilience."

An invocation.......

all-pervading energy penetrating my veins

leave me with your lingering vitality.

i feel you burning in me,

but your flames are tumultuous,

leaving me in disarray.

perennial fire....

gentle with your kindling.

keep me warm,

let me sense your luster

when my soul is darkened

and my body destitute,

let me flow in your current

above the smoke and soot

no longer stifled and gasping for air

but basking in your light.

magic, myth and mystery .......

There is science,

There is religion,

But the modern world is done with magic, myth, and mystery.



But there is magic in the body,myth in the mind and mystery in the heart and soul.



Now we are of an intellectual age, we think we have the answers,
that the mind is capable of understanding how the world and all life works.

Wrapped up in studying life and nature we are forgetting to live it.

The modern mind is too sceptical, it requires evidence not experience.
It needs the words and work of others to judge against its own.

So we get stuck just using our heads, distancing ourselves with critique and analysis.

Yet the mind stretches far beyond our head and our exercised rationality.
There is the subconscious full of the baffling and bizarre,
there are our bodily senses, our instincts and premonitions.
But we suppress these functions, they are too untamed, too random and illogical.

We fear our intuition-our knowing without knowledge,
to be guided by it is far too superstitious and deluded.
We deny its simplicity- the possibility to act without complex thought.

Allow a little mystery and a little magic,
for the mind will always be unsatisfied,
its constant doubting causing hesitation,
letting life just slip by.

In search of equanimity......

Caught up in the waves of emotion and bodily sensations,
i can feel like i am drowning.......
But little by little i practice to float amongst the white horses and choppy waters,
I find space and rest though the mind and body are cluttered and busy.

i long for fusion, for balance, for sensing that bead of peace amongst the turmoil. i know that is must be possible because there would be no awareness of torment without knowing contentment.

So it is not that i ask for ignorant bliss or constant calmness, for rigid monotony is as draining to the soul as extreme vagary.

I ask for both unity and detachment,
To step away when the body and mind seem oversensitive and hysterical-
To embrace them from a distance.

And though i feel frequently stuck swinging in states of polarity,
i wait patiently for the internal friction to subside and for the opposing sides of my nature to realise there cannot be one without the other.

working seperartely they are fractured, and incomplete,
things are lop sided and i become dizzy,
the wind blows and i fall.

working together and i can feel whole,
i am centred and stronger,
wind howling, and i am still standing.
i have found equanimity.

to keep moving.......

We carry on our backs the burdens that time always reveals.... A memory unwanted... A wound that would not heal.We wrestle, we escape... But there's a consequence for this rootlessness: 'motions sickness' The only cure: To keep moving

But the running drained me. with no rest, I start to slow down. The body got tired, breathless, fractured by this restless state. The past was catching up, I could not escape it and collapsed frozen in fear.

But it is when we are most afraid that we get to know courage, when we feel so depleted that we sense our resilience and strength.

I now feel the pain I have been running from, i accept i was hurt. But the torment and injuries of the body which makes it sick- that comes from the relentless sprint to escape the past.

The past is part of us. We can run but we may get lost, unable to find a way forward. We seem trapped in a maze, the mind and body more scared than ever. Then we may have to turn back, face the memories to find our way again.

leopard cannot change his spots ........

The saying goes that a leopard cannot change his spots
but then i think of Darwin .....

I think of evolution as the magic of nature, as a reminder that our bodies are constantly changing to accommodate our needs and adapt to our environment.

There are the huge changes that take place amongst us all, but there are also those personal adjustments that continuously occur throughout our life.

So yes i am an eternal optimist, believing that if we are patient and trusting, we can shed the traits of the past that no longer help us and we can embrace change.

We must be gentle on ourselves- allow time. The rapid progression that takes place in the modern world makes us impatient, rushed, unsatisfied. We look for quick fixes, we take drastic measures. We feel pressure to conform, to keep up, to be better; to be more sophisticated, more intelligent, more controlled- we have to fit in this world of machinery and computers.

But machines and computers are vulnerable. Overworked and misused they can breakdown, get damaged. They need care and rest, time to recharge, as do we.

We get too absorbed with the mythical modern era and all its promises. The pills and the potions that will keep us young and healthy, the gadgets that will make our lifestyles more comfortable, the concepts and theories that can explain all the unexplained.

We forget both the power and fragility of nature. It follows its own route of development. We push and prod at it too hastily and this is disturbed. Socially we are becoming aware of this in regards to the climate - the planet and it Eco systems.

let us think of this on a much more intimate scale. lets us think of it within ourselves. careless, over consuming living has a huge impact on our bodies too. we neglect the planet and we start to see adverse weather, we neglect ourselves and the body starts to react unfavourably.

Its all just a reminder that we do not have to be extreme, ruthless and forceful, as this can make things out of balance and frenzied. It is a reminder that we do not have to battle against nature, to move forward. We can actually pause, reflect, and witness the subtle workings of nature and maybe have time to experience the changes that happen without mans insidious action and intellect.

inside there is a butterfly.......

right now i feel closed up,
wrapped up in a cacoon,
waiting for life to begin.

the body -
it seems shut down, in hybernation
not wanting to be disturbed.
no activity, no food
not ready to face the world

but i feel it,
the butterfly
patiently waiting
for me to open up, to unravel the layers
to set it free.

let there be tears .......

Crying is a natural phenomenon, built into our biology. Yet we deny our tears, as if they make us weak. They do not make us weak, they rejuvinate us. They are there to help us release those complex and overwhelming emotions that we cannot express and let out in any other way.

We think of tears representing agony, but real agony is felt when we suppress them. Tears do not burn our face, like the pain in our throats when we hold back the crying.

To not cry is to not feel and let go. We can be scared to feel, because it is not something we are taught. We are taught to think, and to talk, but to feel is instinctive.

Watch a baby the first thing they can do is cry. It is a bodily function for emotions, a process like digestion is for food and breathing is for air.

To not cry must make us very sick. I think of depression, it is called a mental illness, but emotion goes far beyond the mind.

We may trap emotion inside of us, our mind denying that it is not there. This must cause stress to the bodies, like a stomach being stuck full of undigested food, but we pretend it is empty and keep on eating.

One day the body fights back, and the tears, the sorrow, the pain, they come and keep on coming. The body releases it's overload. We have to be patient, but instead we fight it and there begins a spiralling internal battle, that begins to exhaust us.

We are scared, we believe it to be wrong and irrational, we feel disjointed. Why is there grief, anxiety, anger - there is no trigger. But these are not emotions of the present they are emotions of our past, those we did not allow ourselves to feel.

We have to cry the uncried tears, open ourselves up. Then we can make space for the feelings of the moment. We become synchronised with the here and now. No longer is our body and minds responding to the traumas of the past.

A tribute........

one cool and calculated.

A man of observation, placement, architecture.

Pure motion

The other raw and passionate

A women of memory, feeling, dialogue.

Pure emotion

The two most influential figures of post modern dance die within a month of each other. They together represent the diversity and immense possibilities that can be achieved with dance, movement and performance.

i admire both immensely. They speak to the two sides of our nature- the rational and logical, and the instinctive and visceral.

Cunningham was a scientist with movement. His interest was with the structure, mechanics, and aesthetic of the human body- with what we could see.

Bausch was a poet with movement. She worked with the interior and complex side of the human body - with what we feel.

But both were amazing artists- spontaneous, rebellious and daring with their performances. They new that there was so much more to discover, unravel and create. both continued to work with immense dedication towards their craft till the day they died.

I find something symbolic in the fact that their deaths are so close to each other. they belonged to the same movement, they together began the pathway of post modern dance and paerformance. Now it is time for us to move forward again. They are the pioneers of their generation. Their discoveries have been made and played out. Now we owe it to them and others to start where they left off.

I think that great artists inspire us, but they do not necessarily have to influence all that we do. We have our own experiences, perceptions and sources of creativity that allow us the chances to be totally unique. We are so often scared of being different. We feel individuality could distance us from others, make us self absorbed and feed the ego. But these two legends show that to follow your own path allows an opportunity for such unrealised potential to be exposed in ourselves and others.

Inspired by frida .....

" I PAINT SELF PORTRAITS BECAUSE I AM THE PERSON I KNOW BEST."
(FRIDA KAHLO)

I don't think i know my self, not really. But it is not self knowledge i need, but self trust.

Under the layers of my frequent fluctuating mental, emotional and physical state i think of what there could be. I do not know it yet, i feel wrapped up in the layers.

But like drawing a self portrait, if i look deep enough i am no longer tormented by myself and my features. I can relax, my vision seems clear. I forget myself; there is no judgement, no blame, I am just witnessing what i see.

Body and beyond.....

Body may seem trapped, restricted, disabled.
But it is breathing,
it wants to live.

There are days it seems to really struggle.
Days it feels like it is shutting down.
It seems withdrawn, defeated; overwhelmed by the slightest activity.
Depleted of it's vital energy.

On these days i am learning to embrace the body; not to fight with it, to be it's enemy. But to be it's carer, to nourish it as best i can.

The body is my physical reality. It is the most tactile and visible part of me. But it is not the totality.

When it feels isolated and working alone. When it feels like a very insignificant object in this vast universe, i stop and i think beyond its physical form.

I think of the most mystical aspect of our being - i think of the spirit. The body knows the spirit as part of its living organism. It knows the spirit can always be free

So when the body seems vulnerable and debilitated, live from the spirit and the soul. From there the body can evolve, it can find strength. It can be empowered, it can heal, regardless of its physical capabilities; of any dysfunction, abnormality and presumed inadequacy.

Accepting my scars and imperfections........

Habitually an idealist, wanting perfection.



Fleeing from the past, terrified of the future but restless in the present.



Wounds are healing, but i dont want the scars.

They remind me of the damage done.




They are flaws for all to see.





BUT.....


I remind myself that every scar and imperfection i have is a symbol of our uniqueness. It is a symbol that nature is not interested in perfection, but diversirty and individuality.



Nature is adapting, it works to its own intelligence. It's wisdom is far greater than our contemporary intellect. It is the mystical force of our existance that ultimately has the upper hand.



We can distance ourselves from it, and look just to man to mold and make us feel complete. We can live solely by the constructed rules and concepts of political and social theories. Or we can trust our instinct, the body and soul's inherited knowledge.



When we witness nature's working deep inside of ourselves, we become less anxious of that which is on the surface. We see that we are made up of many layers, many experiences, more than we can ever comprehend.



We become accepting of every aspect of our living, trusting that what ever has happened and what will be, is right if we are intergrated; connected with the outside world and all that lies within us.

my animal ally ......

"WHEN MAN SOUGHT TO KNOW HOW WE SHOULD LIVE, HE WENT INTO SOLITUDE AND CRIED, UNTIL AN ANIMAL BROUGHT WISDOM TO HIM....."

( Pawnee Chief from 'Touch the Earth')

I am the mouse in awe of the elephant. In my dreams i sit by its side and ask for its steadiness, its strength, its wisdom.

I watch it move, I see its grace, its patience. Despite its weight there is a softness to its movement, a tenderness- such sensitivity.

And as i watch it i feel my twitching and trembling fade, my racing heart slow down. I no longer feel so small, so timid. I can come out of my whole, i can stand with my head close to the sky and my feet weighted to the earth.

" Something uncanny and perhaps even instinctual happens when we imagine the transformation of our human nature into animal nature. This action captures the imagination, and inspires us to tap into deep unconscious feelings and psychic needs." ( Anna Halprin from 'Returning to health through dance, movement and imagery'.)

tornado in the storm ...

Those times when i think i was reckless, when i think i have made matters worse, i see them as times as being a tornado in a storm.




What has happened has happened, how we behaved in the past is done and we must move on. There is definitely a period of my life which i have often wanted to re write, but now i think of it differently:

In times of great distress and confusion we can react unpredictably, we can be in survival mode unable to digest anything that is going on and just doing anything to keep our heads above water. We cannot stop and notice we are hurting, that there is pain. We bury it to keep on going, to keep fighting.

These are times when our lives seem to be full of chaos, pure extremes- we seem stuck in a storm. We want to be strong- stubbornly strong. We do not want to show fear or panic, but there is no sense of calm; we get caught, we are ungrounded, we cannot see through the heavy clouds and then we are gone, sucked up- we are a tornado.

When all the dust has settled and we are back, something is haunting us. Now we are feeling the wounds and we are scared. There is damage and we were an element of that destructive force.

It can feel unbearable to try and take an objective approach to our most painful times. It can feel impossible. But we have to step away from our past, not be a storm chaser. It is too exhausting, too intense. It will deplete us.

By seeing myself as the tornado I get a glimpse of clarification over my most tormenting memories. I see myself as neither victim nor perpetrator, just as raw, explosive energy- a reaction to the environment. This imagery does not allow me to deny the devastation caused, but it encourages me to make amends.

As in nature, once the storm has past there is time for growth and repair. There are opportunities for fresh starts, for new pastures, a new sense of life.

We need not fear the storm it cannot return. There may be more, but now we know we can survive, we know it will not last. It will blow through and we will still be standing.

good friends ...

i had a wonderful morning catching up with two dear friends on the phone. it made me take note of the beautiful qualities of friendship. Great friends listen and support you even in moments of hysteria and rage. They are kind and forgiving, patient and ever so loyal. In friendship there is a sense of co dependency. With close friends you are able to share the joys and sorrows each of you experience. What a lonely and harsh place the world could seem without them.

But my thoughts of friends lead me to consider the less obvious but just as vital form of friendship that is so vital for our well being- our friendship with ourselves. I admit that in most recent times i have had moments of resentment and pure disgust towards myself, especially my body.

Now this attitude has not done me any favours, it has not supported my desperate wish to feel fit and healthy. The simple truth is you have to accept yourself as fully as you accept your friends. Within you there too is this reality of co dependency. The body needs the same trust and care that you show towards others. It needs you to listen to it, not to dominate it or to be fearful or disinterested. It needs you to be forgiving when you feel let down by it. It is very much like your closest friends- it will always be there even though you may exhaust it, be inconsiderate at times or just plain neglectful. It is there, working for you in your darkest moods, so be gentle towards it when it seems so destructive and out of control.

living like Alice.....

" WHO ARE YOU," SAID THE CATERPILLAR ...... ALICE REPLIED RATHER SHYLY, "I - I HARDLY KNOW, SIR, JUST AT PRESENT - AT LEAST I KNOW WHO I WAS WHEN I GOT UP THIS MORNING BUT I THINK THAT I MUST HAVE BEEN CHANGED SEVERAL TIMES SINCE THEN." ( Lewis Carroll, Alice's Adventures in Wonderland.)

I seemed to have spent a lot of time either desperately trying to transform myself or desperately trying to keep things the way they are. But the more i accept that moment by moment change is happening, time is passing; sensations, thoughts and emotions come and go, the more relaxed i become.

When there are challenges in life we can feel vulnerable, overexposed to the stresses and the strains. who knows what the day has to bring. we may have plans, expectations, a schedule to keep, a role to play- but stay flexible and responsive.

i often get exhausted by my daily peaks and troffs, and have battled a lot to try and have a more even day. i then took a moment today to think of the weather. There it is in front of me, the process of nature- rain, sun and wind all in the same day.

our bodies work by the rules of nature, constantly adapting to our environment, to the energy of our actions, thoughts, feelings. Reacting to the stimuli of our surroundings, from the food we eat to the company we keep. let it happen, go with the flow, don't feel ashamed or guilty for those unexpected moments, when there is a surge of emotion or impulsive reaction. we are constantly evolving and if we allow ourselves we can continue to grow from our experiences.

eyes closed and dancing ....

i miss dancing immensely. But i am learning that i can just close my eyes and start dancing.

no matter how heavy my limbs feel, whether my muscles or bones ache i can move.

i am moving all the time. life and all that is living has to move.

even if the body feels restricted there is movement and rhythm occurring in the internal anatomy.

so close your eyes and take an inward dance. flow with the fluids of the body, pulse with the pumping heart, float and sink with the breath.

let the outside be still and quiet

let the inside move and speak

A few words.....

on this grey and rainy July day i have decided to start up a blog.

i am sure it will be full of much rambling and nonsense at times, but i hope amongst this i can share moments of creative, upbeat energy, from those glimpses of embracing life and the here and now.

Hoping to not sound too sentimental i just want to say i believe we all deserve to experience three great treasures in life - health, happiness and love. i think with these things we feel whole; we relax in ourselves, accept who we are and what the day has to bring. when one of these things is missing we have to make sure we experience plenty of the other two.

it is tricky though as they seem to be a package. when you are in ill health it can be tough to experience happiness, to love yourself and life. but it is possible. treasure the small things, the things you never noticed when you felt fit and well.

i use this example of struggling with health as it is a challenge that seems to be very present in my immediate life for myself, close family and friends. keep your spirits up!